A letter to my “woke” liberal neighbors
Dear neighbours:
I see on the local Facebook page that some have been wondering why I recently placed three boxes of Bud Lights on a folding table in my backyard and then blasted them to pieces with my AR-15.
By Second Amendment rules, I don’t have to answer your questions (look it up, libs), but in the interest of the neighborhood, I will.
The answer is simple: Anheuser-Busch woke up.
The company I’ve long supported by getting drunk on Bud Light during the day recently gave in to the absurdly liberal notion that we should treat everyone with kindness and respect Partnered with Dylan Mulvaneywho I am told by Google is “a transgender social media influencer”.
Kid Rock shot his Bud Light, so I shot mine
I found out about this through my primary news source, Kid Rock’s Instagram page. Mr Rock posted a video of him photographing cases of Bud Light, and said: “(Expletive) Bud Light. (Explosive) Anheuser-Busch!”
From that moment on, it was clear that as a patriot, I too would have to buy several boxes of Bud Lights and then destroy them with the same type of firearm used in most mass shootings. If this act of responsible protest has offended your sensibilities, I’m happy to lend you my Liberal Tears mug.
While none of you so-called Americans in the neighborhood joined me in my fight against waking up, many high-profile conservatives did, including country music star Travis Tritt, who banned all Anheuser-Busch products from his tourand GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, who called it “The worst kind of awakened capitalism.”
Former professional baseball player Aubrey Huff tweeted: “My god, how dumb do you have to be @budlight? I can’t wait to see the sales next quarter. #cancelbudlight”
Myself and my fellow campaigners took time out from our important crusade against the horrors of liberal withdrawal culture to encourage others to never drink Bud Light again. I challenge each of you to name a nobler cause than protesting a company by buying and then destroying its products while bringing tremendous, unpaid national attention to its brand.
But despite the integrity of shooting several dozen cans of beer that I just paid for, all I hear from your neighbors are complaints. Aside from a stray bullet slightly grazing Ms. Henderson’s Labradoodle, what damage do I deal?
Look, I realize there were some minor issues in 2018 when I bought five dozen pairs of Nike sneakers and burned them in my backyard to protest the company that featured Colin Kaepernick in an ad. How was I supposed to know that the flames would reach the vine arbor in Don’s garden?
And I know some of you didn’t like it when I found out about it from Newsmax host Greg Kelly last year Oreo Cookies had woken up when they joined PFLAG to produce a short film when coming out. What put me off was Kelly’s revealing tweet which read: “COOKIES! i love cookies C stands for COOKIES. COOKIE IS FOR ME. I do NOT like GAY COOKIES. “Sexuality” has NOTHING to do with the cookie experience. Cookies are for EVERYONE! Cookies are basically “asexual” – why is the WOKE-LEFT playing around with OREOS?!?! STOP THE MADNESS.”
This inspired me to buy all the Oreos they had at the grocery store, dump them in the middle of the street outside my house, and run them over with the same Hummer I used to buy the 25 Keurig coffee makers I bought afterwards. shattered The company stopped advertising on Fox News’ Sean Hannity show.
Well, I guess my First Amendment rights are a little too much for the sheep in this neighborhood. I won’t apologize, because apologies are a tool of the awakened left, but I’ll refrain from shooting any more beers.
And I can guarantee that because I’ve now switched to Coors Light. So if you need me, I’m standing in the driveway in all my unawakened glory, sitting peacefully in a lounge chair next to my Hummer—which I’m letting idle to protest the climate change hoax—long gulps of…wait a minute . Why does Google tell me Coors Light is “one of the most progressive for its employee policies towards gay people” and “has been advertising in gay publications since the 1980s“?
WATCHING IS EVERYWHERE!
Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
More from Rex Huppke:
Elon Musk takes away my blue tick on Twitter. Who am I if not remarkable?
Would today’s GOP try to ban Mister Rogers for waking up? Probably.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Bud Light’s trans partnership left me with no choice but to shoot “woke” beer