Brutal new season predictions for Panthers, Storm, Dolphins

The 2023 season promises to be the most open NRL competition in years, with a litany of contenders vying to be butchered in the Penrith Grand Final.

In fact, the race for glory is so open that not even the Panthers stand a chance.

Therefore, your site should already give up in 2023.

Penrith: The Mountain Men are two feet deep in a rare three-peat, a feat not accomplished since the Fraser administration. But with the entire squad on the course due to be signed with Canterbury by mid-winter, it would be better if they cash out their multi and wait for Ivan Cleary’s next son.

Melbourne: The Storm may have qualified for 12 consecutive finals campaigns, but it’s no different than the coronavirus. If you ignore something long enough, it will eventually go away.

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Not only has Craig Bellamy lost a lot of veteran forwards, rugby league has so much ‘storm fatigue’ now that we’ve moved on to the Panthers and monkeypox.

cocks: Let’s face it, aside from the three premierships and countless finals campaigns, the Trent Robinson era was a train wreck at the Roosters. These guys haven’t won a competition in three harrowing years and I can’t see them diverting focus from looting low clubs long enough to end the drought anytime soon.

South: Weathered an interrupted offseason with the Latrell Mitchell skirmish and assistant coach Sam Burgess’ rolling riot, the latter fending off more random checks than a Roosters recruit. Jason Demetriou’s team will be in the playoffs, but as history proves, they are contractually bound not to advance further than the semi-finals.

Parramatta: Statistically and pharmacologically, Eels fans are suffering from the worst Premier League drought in the game. It’s been so long since your last title that it’s only available in VHS and SD while PMSL. Greater chance of the Sex Party winning the upper house majority in the next election. Hell, even the Liberal Party.

Cowboys: Produced a breakout season in 2022 under Todd Payten in which the mild-mannered coach unleashed the magic of Scott Drinkwater behind a relentless forward pack. This team has all the attributes of a great finalist but considering they are a three hour flight away they would likely miss the kick-off due to Australia’s lemony airline industry.

Cronulla: The Sharks found themselves in an unlikely Premiership slump under Craig Fitzgibbon and Nicho ‘Huthence’ Hynes last year but did anyone really believe it was real? After all, this perennial underachiever was already enjoying his day in 2016. Would you expect Comet Halley to turn back for a second visit a week later?

Canberra: The Raiders are everyone’s second favorite team, largely because they’re completely harmless. In fact, the site boasts of only one true danger: Ricky Stuart. And that only applies to journalists, referees and anyone who committed an act against their son under the age of 12 a decade ago.

Broncos: Remember the good old days in Brisbane, when players were so mischievous in the off-season that round one wasn’t ‘kick-off’ but ‘kick-on’? Luckily these guys have changed their ways. Instead of going rogue, they now spend their time bagging Kevin Walters on podcasts. Will be happy to finish higher than their Spotify ranking.

Bulldogs: Enjoyed another busy summer in the gamer market, with Phil Gould and company dishing out untold sums of cash to bury the Trent Barrett years. Now with an exciting new line-up led by rookie coach Cameron Ciraldo, there’s no reason this side can’t climb up to 12th place.

Masculine: As we begin life under new coach Anthony Seibold waves of optimism continue to pour out of Manly but I don’t buy it. Simply put, the Sea Eagles without Des Hasler are like Simon without a garfunkel, or a comb-over without a loneliness. No disrespect to Seibold, but players will be confused – and so will Scott Penn. Who will he blame?

Tiger: Whenever hopes are borne by the Tigers’ encouraging preseason, remember that the joint venture has been so terrible over the past two decades that their 2005 Premiership should be erased from history like the fat kids in Roald Dahl’s books.

Warrior: Rugby League’s childless cat lady, the Kiwi Club have now resorted to enticing anonymous assistant coaches. No disrespect to Andrew Webster, but he’ll have his hands full making sure the season doesn’t end unfulfilled and covered in kitty litter.

dragons: Another frantically active off-season if you were the club’s advocate. This is an organization whose sole aim at the moment is to make a statement from the club that is not about helping any police investigation.

Titans: Always the proverbial little brother of Brisbane, the Seth Curry from her Steph, the Peter Stefanovic from her Karl. But even with the Broncos AWOL lately, they still soil the bed and wrap themselves in the sheets. Can’t handle the height of a wooden spoon fight, let alone the top eight.

Newcastle: Forget it. The glory days of Newcastle are long gone. There are no more Gidleys in stock, their property prices are now comparable to Sydney, and Daniel Johns is in a weird electro-synth phase.

dolphins: The new guys go into their debut campaign with no hype, no geographic identity, and no chance. However, they have the pensioners of half the Storm and a documentary capturing the club’s glory days: their life before playing football.

Dane Eldridge is a long-suffering Roosters fan who has endured three long years without Premiership glory